Let’s cut through the perfect parenting crap

My daughter is out of control. This “phase” is not good and I see it coming to either she or me surviving it. Commence seeking help on Mom Boards. Gag!

That’s right, gag me with a freaking hot iron.

“meet eye to eye and explain to her that her behavior is not acceptable””
ignore her”“take away her toys”“put her in time out for 4 minutes then ask if she understands why she was there”. 

Really? That’s all you got for me? Well guess what? These parenting approaches may work in your world but in mine…not one f’n bit! 

This is why I see a happy helper. To help me be a parent that I did not have as a good example. When B tells me no my life flashes and I recall a hand slapping my face, then my ass, then dragging me down the hall to my room (it was extra special when I was dragged against the stucco wall, left some great “impressions”), then throwing me on my bed and finally a finger in my face rebuking the devil out of me, sometimes shoving me on the bed and then walking away or on better days grabbing the leather belt and finishing the ass whooping all while she screamed for me to “stop contradicting me”. Yep, that’s the example I had. So, how does someone with only that as an example handle a typical smart ass’d 4 year old without doing the only thing she knows a parent does?

Well, the only solution I have right now is keeping her in her room until her father comes home and me going to mine to cry until there are no more tears to cry and the guilt sets in that treated my daughter like crap, the daughter I would die for, the daughter that is my life, the daughter who is just being a kid.


How to Re-purpose Flavored Love Lotion

Yep, flavored love lotion and the way my mind works

It has been one of those days. My daughter and I have been butting heads ALL FREAKING DAY, it is hot as Hades, the humidity is doing wonders with my arthritis, I have been questioning my life purpose, and have lost my passion for whatever my passion is.

About Passion…Fruit

This afternoon as I Cinderella-ishly  cleaned the kitchen (wondering if this is what my life is going to be forever) my darn cute dogs were under foot. They licked up every food morsel that made it’s way to the floor as I sluggishly wiped the surfaces while dreaming of being saved by a fairy godmother.

As I sprayed my all purpose cleaner on the front of the stove with one dog mere inches from it, the oddest, yet most genius idea hit me. I blurted “how perfect!” as I stood to bask in my most enchanting concept to date.

Here’s the idea: I bet if I spray every surface of my kitchen with edible sex lube and let the dogs have at it, my kitchen will be licked spotless! The dogs will have a delicious treat while working out and I will have automated my cleaning. Fab, right?

I told you it was that type of day  

Maybe I will go get a book or a stiff drink to get me out of this funk…or maybe my kitchen will smell like “Passionate Passion Fruit” in the morning.

Tell me, isn’t this a great idea?

MyGofer: This Mom’s Shopping Heaven!

I hate going shopping with a kid in a car seat

Oh, 10 years ago those words would have never been typed by my hands. Four years ago, with a newborn baby in a carrier life was still easy-peasy. Today, with a 4 year old. Yes! Getting in and out of the car is a pain in the rear when toting a toddler/preschooler. Yes, she can buckle herself in her car seat now. Yes, she can climb into the car herself. Yes, she can walk along side me in the store. Yes, it is a pain in the rear. I won’t go into further details, in fear of ruining this same revelation to new moms with babies that so far are all like “I can still do what I want, when I want, and just as easy as before baby”.

A Drive-thru for Moms

Monday I experienced my motherly dream. A one-stop store that has a drive-thru. MyGofer. I read about the concept of the store when it was first being introduced, a Service Merchandise type model for Sears. As a marketer I just tossed this aside as a last ditch effort on Sears’s part to stay treading the water. Every time I pass the only brick and mortar MyGofer in Joliet, the parking lot is empty and there are no people I see going in or out. How is Sears affording to keep this store open?

One Tweet & A New World Opened Up

Last week I tweeted “Doe anyone shop at MyGofer?” BAM, less than 5 minutes later Jonathon replies offering to send me there to experience it myself. Well, heck yeah, sign me up! Without his reply I probably would continue to drive by the store wondering.

Easy to get my Stuff

According to MyGofer.com

mygofer is a new way to shop that makes it easy to get the stuff you need—where, when and how you want it. Order online. Have it delivered. Pick it up at your favorite store. Whatever is most convenient for you.
At mygofer, your list is our command. Shop with us for your prescriptions, groceries, beauty products, clothes, shoes, electronics and a whole lot more you might not expect. So whatever is on your list, we can help you get it—with incredible speed and no hassles. That’s convenience.
Speed? No Hassles? Convenience? You had me at “drive-thru”.  Monday morning I got online to order some basic essentials: Bleach and Vinegar. See, stuff like that I really don’t want to trek the kid in and out of stores for.  At first the website was a bit confusing to navigate but I got the hang of it. 

I received an email notification that my order was ready for pick-up so away we went. Side note: I chose to go inside this trip to see what MyGofer was really all about. Next trip, drive thru only baby! The store is set up as a showroom with computer terminals everywhere. If you didn’t place your order online, you can still shop! Go to an in-store terminal, place your order, then go to the pick-up area for the order to be brought out. 

Eggs, Milk, TVs

There was a sale sign outside “Eggs $.49/dozen” “Milk $1.81/gal”. WHAT? While waiting for my bleach I placed an order for 20 dozen of eggs. Without a blink my friendly associate placed the order and the eggs were brought to the counter. He asked if I wanted to pull my car up so he could load it! How fun! Then I got down to brass tacks with him. Why are there so few cars in the lot? Here’s a brief recap:

  • The majority of traffic for the business is Drive-thru. Mostly Moms who don’t want to get out of the car with kids and Folks who placed orders while at work and swing by after to pick up. The drive thru gets hopping after 5pm.
  • They have been there 4 years and each year business has increased.
  • Yes, you can order a TV and groceries and pick them up through the drive-thru.
  • Twice a day the MyGofer drivers go around to their associate stores to fulfill orders.
  • They are a concierge business for everyone. No need to be in W.A. Buffett’s tax bracket for this personal service.

Experience my Dream

Really, I totally encourage you to try MyGofer.com. You’ll save time, money, energy, and your sanity! 

*I received an e-gift from MyGofer to try the place out for myself and give it a shout-out online. All opinions are my own.

Going to Preschool, Now Playing Dumb.

Is this regression or just a phase?

My daughter started one day a week preschool this summer. She needed a break from me and I her. She needed to be around kids. She needed other adult authority figures in her life. She needed to learn.

After seven weeks of preschool I have a bad gut feeling. Every week I ask “What was class about today?” To which she replies “I don’t know” and that’s all the talk about school. She refuses to pick out her name card before class, will not write her name without asking how to spell it, and has just about all and all given up on reading. Her confidence in her knowledge seems gone.

Playing dumb does not fly with me!

Certainly in some parenting book there is a chapter about this. Somewhere someone will tell me “leave her be, she’s trying to fit in”, “This is a phase”, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I know she knows how to write her name. She knows I know she knows how to write her name. She also knows how to sound out letters to form words and write all the letters. Playing “dumb” (for lack of a more tactful word) is not pretty. I hate it when people play dumb. Call me a Tiger Mom if you must; I like tigers-pretty ones.

What to do?

Maybe I am too far up her butt. Can a parent know her child too much? I understand the capabilities of her age and know her abilities. Looks like our homeschooling year will begin earlier than planned.

Tell me…

Did you experience something like this with your preschoolers?

The Best of Comic-Con Sale Going on Now!

Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment has officially announced their Best of Comic-Con Sale – which is now live at the following location:  http://www.foxconnect.com/comiccon-best?limit=45
The sale runs from today through 7/16.  Some examples of deals include Alien Anthology on Blu-ray for $37.99 and X-Men: First Class on Blu-ray for $17.99.

Love Movies? There’s an App for that! {Giveaway!}

Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment’s new app for movie lovers 

“Own the Moments” is a new app available for iPhone & Android.  The mobile app allows fans to get a daily movie moment featuring trivia and a clip or photo from one of Fox’s most notable films from the classics to today’s biggest new releases. Fans can then share, like and comment on the movie moment with their friends. 

Need to expand your conversation topics beyond you kids? This app is perfect! 

I have tried my hardest not to become one of “them”. The parent who only talks about her kid. It is hard to avoid because, let’s face it, our kids are our lives. I’m around mine 24 hours a day. My conversation topics these days are a bit limited.

My regular “getaway” from preschooler anything is watching movies. We rent, we go to the theater, I review them. I make lists of upcoming flicks I’ve seen the trailers for at movies, look them up, and put their release dates on my calendar. Call me a movie lover, that is fine. Watching all these movies helps with my social life a bit. I stop boring others with kid talk by talking about the latest movies, the actors in them, helping the conversation take a whole new direction (for instance, talking about Magic Mike….). I enjoy this app!

“Own the Moments” is a perfect go-to for quick movie references, movie clips, and trivia! Need a movie rental suggestion? Own the Moments (<– click to go to their Facebook page) can point you to your evening’s entertainment. Want to have an Actor Movie Marathon, choose from a list of actors that are in Fox movies. In the mood for a chic flick genre, hey, the app can do that for you too! Want to stop talking about your kid’s potty habits? This app will help!

Win a DVD for reading this post

Enter to Win a Fantastic Mr. Fox, The / Robots Double Feature  DVD from FOX/ThinkJam. This is the easiest entry requirement ever: Tell me your favorite movie moment in a comment ON THIS POST

A winner will be chosen randomly from the participants and announced on my blog, Twitter Feed, and Facebook Page.  No comments left by “Anonymous” will qualify as entries.  I’m going to copy and paste the winner’s comment “handle”, so that is why Anonymous cannot qualify. Understand? Also, only one entry per person allowed. 

No comments left on my Facebook or Twitter will qualify either.

Don’t miss the Winner Announcement

Follow me:
Facebook: The Mom Standard
Twitter: @TheMomStandard

Contest closes July 15, 2012 at 11:59pm 

The winner will be announced the week of the 16th. The DVD will be mailed direct from 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment.

*I am hosting this giveaway for 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment/ThinkJam. I downloaded the app and gave it a try. I have not received any monies or product for this giveaway. Yep, out of the kindness of my heart and my fondness for my reps at ThinkJam am I doing this giveaway. If you are a regular reader, you know I don’t like giveaways. Enter this one. It’s easy and you get a free DVD. Come on, you’re kids will thank you.*

4th of July: A Day at the "Pee"ch

Warning: There is Pee in Lake Michigan

Beach view while on our  Baño search
Getting crowded

¿Dónde Está el Baño?
Yesterday we went to Montrose Beach in Chicago. We arrived before 9am to beat the crowd. No one goes to Montrose Beach unless you have dogs. WRONG! We pulled in to a full parking lot, thousands of people were already milling about. Tents, tables, chairs, grills, hammocks, kids, toys, old people propped in chairs against trees. Seriously, full apartments were set up in the grass. Radios blaring and the smell of carne asade already wafting through the air. My little eavesdropper was enjoying a family’s conversation and quickly pointed out that “look, they’re Italian too!”. She gets Spanish and Italian confused. No mention of a bano though.

As we waited for Aunt G, B and I took a walk to find the toilets. There were thousands (no exaggeration) of people all set up to spend the entire day and night here, yet, no toilets ANYWHERE.

I let B in on a well known secret: if you have to pee, you pee in the lake. Disgusting, right?  Well, thank you City of Chicago for no toilets. I know darn well that these off-the-gridders will have to use the facilities and if they didn’t bring along a camping toilet, or plan on digging a hole, then guess what? To the lake they will go.

Hot, Hot, Hot: SPF 40 is Useless

We set up all our belongings: 3 blankets, a small cooler, a kid’s chair and lathered on the SPF40. To the water we went. To the towel to roast in the sun I stayed for the most part. I’m not a fan of lakes. People pee in them.

This was B’s first beach experience. She stayed in the lake most of the visit. When the sun began making me sick, I quickly went in to the frigid water to stop my insides from cooking. While in there hanging with my baby she proudly screamed “I peed 2 times”. Queue my gag reflex.

Strutting with her noodle

After four fun, scorching hours we headed to the car. The sand was at least 2000 degrees. I wanted to cry it burned so bad. Warrior Dash has nothing on our 4th of July Beach Dash to Safety!

That’s SPF 40 at work
God Made This

At home I slathered on the Watkins After Sun Gel. It was miraculous how quickly the stinging and burning stopped after I buttered myself up with it. OMG! The secret is the Lidocaine mixed with the Aloe.

Pizza, Pass the Pig, Time for Bed

When we were all sting free to the basement kitchen we headed to make some pizzas! Yum. While enjoying our creations we played Pass the Pigs and Yahtzee. We want our 15 year old Godson to leave having a well rounded cultural experience. He felt out of sorts not having a video game controller in his hand. He got over it. By 11pm we were all pooped and headed to bed.

Our Fourth of July was awesome. Looking forward to next year, with SPF 110 in hand! (Thanks Michelle from 60LittlePiggies for that heads up!)

Proud of her meatballs
Not her debut
Godson laying on some cheese

To Press Our Luck or Not

Today we are scheduled to paint the house but it’s another 100’er out there so we may just chill indoors and let our epidermis have a day off from extreme conditions.